Joana

TW: Suicide

 

"I grew up with the belief that women had to be skinny to be considered beautiful.

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Hi, my name is Joana. I was born and raised in Germany and I’ve never been skinny, and that shaped my relationship with my body from an early age.

On top of that, I was bullied in school, which pushed me into a deep depression by the age of 14. I struggled to cope with my inner pain, turning to self-harm and overeating to numb my feelings. I felt ugly, unlovable, and often had suicidal thoughts. A failed suicide attempt only deepened my despair—but thankfully, I survived.

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After finishing school, I worked as a kindergarten teacher, still struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. I couldn’t say “no” to work tasks and eventually burned out completely. After a few years, I quit my job and traveled to the USA for two months. That trip sparked a love for travel and a new sense of possibility in life. Returning to Germany, I fell back into old routines, but I knew I had to give myself one last chance to heal—and this time, it worked.

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I packed my bags and traveled through Latin America before finally arriving in New Zealand. Almost immediately, I began to feel better. Being in nature, meeting incredible people, and living in the moment helped me release old patterns. I lost weight naturally as I stopped eating my feelings and started enjoying life. I started therapy, learned to embrace myself, and gradually built a mental space that felt safe and positive.

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COVID-19 unexpectedly became a turning point: my visa was extended, and I was able to live full-time in New Zealand, traveling, exploring, and creating a life that truly felt like mine. Over the years, I moved to Australia and began taking antidepressants, which have helped me maintain my mental health. I’ve faced ups and downs, but the ups are longer and brighter, and the downs are less deep.

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Today, I feel proud of myself and the journey I’ve taken. I love my body, I love my life, and I love the person I’ve become. Seeing these amazing photos of myself reminds me of that love, even on days when I feel less confident."